My Shit.

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http://twitter.com/bambarella

Anyone can follow me, of course you have to have a twitter account too :P

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www.myspace.combambarella

Myspace :D

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http://ict.mcast.edu.mt/ictweb/stepabel/PersonalWebsite/

Website :D

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http://xxstephymadnessxx.hi5.com

Hi5 :D

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No Title.

All of this is disappearing before your eyes, before you even know it.
You can’t really find a way to explain yourself; you’re just feeling sick, tired and lost.

Imagine yourself in the woods, long trees, harsh branches, lions, or any frightful creature that can exist…and you’re running, running and never looking back, trying to forget but the pain is too deep.

Then you find a house, you knock but you get no reply, you realize that the door is open so you step inside, still feeling lost and frightened. Then you realize you’re finally not alone and there is someone there for you. You’re still afraid of asking for their help, just because you can’t trust anyone. Not this stranger, not a soul. When they talk to you, all you try to do is block them out so you won’t let them in. They can’t understand and you can’t either. You start to think again, how when you trusted you got hurt. You get angrier and you keep on blocking them no matter how much alone this makes you feel. You’re kidding yourself by saying to yourself that you’re going to be alright and I don’t need anyone to save me, I am strong. You remember when things were different. One day. That’s why in stories they start with a ‘Once upon a time…’ just because it’s only once, not twice or more. You’re always asking these questions and you’re still tired. You run away again, from the house, from the person. Then you close your eyes and you wish this is all a dream but it’s not. It’s real. Everything you see is real. You just want the pain and sadness to go away. You pray to God but now you are always doubt him. Something is very wrong. Very.

Stop. Stop. Stop! You’re feeling small now. You are thinking that God is there with you but you’re not sure. Yes, yes, he is, right? Maybe? And you ramble and ask him, ‘Why?’

You know that someone said that you are the problem. You’re thinking that it is right. You’ll change but it’s not easy, right? Then you’re thinking that it’s their fault too. For making you like this. The experiences you had faced made you this. No. No. No. You curl up by yourself, still hiding behind a huge tree. You’re itching, dirty, the beauty is washed away all of a sudden and you’re just feeling empty.

Wait. There’s more.

You still know that there’s hope. Deep down. You know that things will change for the better, maybe, right? You know you have to stop running away from the things you will someday love, eventually. But you’re too damn difficult. Damn it.

‘Just stop thinking about the bad things for a little while and hope for the better.’

Just when you said that precious sentence you wake up from the trauma and find yourself in your bed. How did this happen? No really, I have to stop asking questions and do something. Stop worrying, stop feeling insecure. Just stop it.

The fairytales you used to have were never real but this was. All the dreams you had, they're just dreams. A dream is a dream. There has to be a miracle for a dream to come true. Dreams are silly but they're fun, right?

Only time will tell.

The Wish List.

The things i want to do this summer are:

#1. Get a Full-Time Summer Job, great wage and a relaxing job Haha.

#2. Complete a Photography Course.

#3. Do Voluntary Work.

#4. Swim & Bbqs.

#5. Go to the Isle of MTV.

#6. Learn how to play the piano.

#7. Write a song.

I make plans to break plans, and I've been planning something big...planning.

I want Summer 2009 to be great. No, perfect.

But first, i can't wait for my brithday. I want that to be good too.

All We Know Is Falling.

Some things i'll never know.
I'm totally, absolutely, confusingly surpised...most of the time.

&& i have to let them go.

This isn't what you wanted. Is it?

The clock is still ticking, but i still have all the time i need.
Maybe...just maybe.

This is the fight i am winning.

Ohmygoshforgettingmyselfintoemberassingmoments. Haha!
Hmm.

It's the karma you're feeling and eating you alive. Deal with it.

Reflections.

I used to see and think some certain things differently, but these past 6 days that i've been sick, i've been doing a lot of thinking about...pretty much about everything that has been around me in my life.

I've learned a lot...surpisingly i didn't have to get out of the house to learn this much haha.

I've learned that i can't be always senstive towards others. If they're not bothered or not know that they're doing an action that is hurting me, i shouldn't bother to care either. Let them be. They'll come around, eventually or if not, just till let them be and treat them just as if nothing ever happened. I still have no regrets. I've said my many sorries and i tried the best i could, but it's up to them now.

I've learned that we all have our 'the world is going to end OMG! time' and that we feel like loners and no one loves us. That's a lie! That we tell to ourselves when we 'think' that we are falling apart. If something bad happens we'll move on, we all know we do.

What about close friends, friends...whatever the hack you call them. There are friends everywhere, they come and go, the feeling is pretty much mutual. Everyone is our friend! You don't need to trust everyone. I don't trust anyone. Shit happens when you trust therefore, i'm not trusting anyone as much as i trust my family.! I know that my family loves me more than anyone in the world. That's it. Friends are the to have fun and good times with. Leave the drama out and just chillax! :D

Boys...boys...oh haha! Who needs them? Pft. -puts on attitude mode- haha! No seriously, any girl that says 'I don't need a man' is a liar. I mean...okay we don't need men, ALWAYS. But there comes a time where we would like to be with someone and share silly/cute things with them. But...GROW UP! Don't go out and look for love. Let love come to you! Don't be silly! And yes all this applies to me.
I vow to myself and to all you readers that i will read this blog post whenever i'll feel like shit and when i finish i'll laugh and feel proud of myself.
I'm very much single and very MUCH happy about it and honestly, i don't care...as of now. I'm focusing on my career right now, i need the grades, i'm studying hard to get great grades so right now, i might not want to feel the pressure of commitment. But who knows what is going to happen in 5 minutes...? in 5 days? in 5 years? No one, just God. :).
When the time comes for me i am hoping to find someone who will understand me and likes me for who i am...also someone who i feel 100% comfortable with. I don't like playing with other peoples' hearts. I want to be loyal with myself and everyone.

Last but not least! God :)

He never changes.
He always forgives me.
I know for a fact that he will always love me.
I know that sometimes i don't feel him close to me, but i know that he's the only person that is better, marvelous in any way, even better than my own parents/family and i know that i can trust him and that he can always have his way with me.

Okay, ramblings over, dear you.

Till then, now i'm going to pull up my socks and get back to school and assignments XD
It's a long way to go ;)
Spring...then Summer! Oh, looking forward to that! ^_^

S.
xoxo

Paradise.

When i googled that word...this caught my attention:



Yes, i want to be in Paradise. Wherever it is, i wanna be there.

Close your eyes and imagine just like what i am seeing;

Peace, love, waterfalls, the trees, fresh air, warmth, calm, happyness.
It will be the best getaway ever.


But unfortunatly that can (probably) never happen unless you die and go to Heaven. There yes, you will find Paradise.


On another note:

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This TV series and Brendon Urie = Love XD I've been so sick but they kept me unbored and happy. Haha!


Ciaooo.

S.