Go ahead & Talk, Your Words Mean Nothing.

Just a few thoughts:

First of - Friday = the best night of Summer 2009...well for now, i'm sure there will be more days. =) Soon, i hope.

It started off with an 'OhMyTickTickHeartDead', i got up sick, missed a day of work, which i missed so badly. Yeah, i like my job.
But, i got better & better. Thank You, Lord.
You allowed me to have my fun for the night. =D
Joslyn & Darren's wedding was really amazing. Awesome food, great service at church, just everything about it was wonderful! Congrats to the very happily married couple ^_^!

Oh && yeah, I of all taken & single girls; got the bridal flowers.
It was my dream to get these flowers since i were a little girl. I've always wanted them so badly that (i think) when i was so innocent & young i'd fight with my cousins to get them. Hah!

So i guess it was my time to shine last night, i loved every minute of it. Thinking back, i still do and when i look at the flowers, i smile; that my cheeks start to hurt a little bit. Still, i know that it's not my time to settle down, yet. Jeez no, i'm only 18 years old!

Of course a relationship can be nice, but i can feel a little intimitaded by it. I don't want to be the girl who clings to a particular guy and just stay that way making up my mind 'forever'. I don't know if forever exists, if it does, it's awesome, i want to have that. But recently, could be today, i've come to terms with myself that 'crushes' are not really good for me. They let you down, you get your hopes up for nothing, most times. Well in my case, i could be very unlucky but who knows, hah! Crushes = Fun vs. No Fun. Their fun is their sensation, how you feel around 'that' one guy. But unfortunately, there's the not so fun side of it. Disappointment.

Don't get me wrong, please, it's just my idea. My ideas are a lot, i think that no one dares to matchmake me with someone because i can be a bit confusing. I just like to prevent myself from getting hurt & feeling dissapointed. I try to keep myself happy around the company that i'm with.

I try to keep in mind; God's Plan for me. Whatever it is, i am very sure that i will get what i deserve, good or bad. It's just that. I'll have my shinny moments, i'll have stuff. I know i won't be happy with what i have, after all, no human is ever happy with what they currently have. We all want more and more, nothing is never enough, nothing can satisfy us.

But God, i think for me God always satisfied me. Never failed. When i'm stupid enough and say he did, i regret it, always. When i step inside at church, i always feel accepted, loved and happy.

The three things i always want from life & everyone. It's just hard, but well, at least i get it from One Great Person. ;)

Rant's Over.

Goodnight.

xoxo S.

Reflections.

I used to see and think some certain things differently, but these past 6 days that i've been sick, i've been doing a lot of thinking about...pretty much about everything that has been around me in my life.

I've learned a lot...surpisingly i didn't have to get out of the house to learn this much haha.

I've learned that i can't be always senstive towards others. If they're not bothered or not know that they're doing an action that is hurting me, i shouldn't bother to care either. Let them be. They'll come around, eventually or if not, just till let them be and treat them just as if nothing ever happened. I still have no regrets. I've said my many sorries and i tried the best i could, but it's up to them now.

I've learned that we all have our 'the world is going to end OMG! time' and that we feel like loners and no one loves us. That's a lie! That we tell to ourselves when we 'think' that we are falling apart. If something bad happens we'll move on, we all know we do.

What about close friends, friends...whatever the hack you call them. There are friends everywhere, they come and go, the feeling is pretty much mutual. Everyone is our friend! You don't need to trust everyone. I don't trust anyone. Shit happens when you trust therefore, i'm not trusting anyone as much as i trust my family.! I know that my family loves me more than anyone in the world. That's it. Friends are the to have fun and good times with. Leave the drama out and just chillax! :D

Boys...boys...oh haha! Who needs them? Pft. -puts on attitude mode- haha! No seriously, any girl that says 'I don't need a man' is a liar. I mean...okay we don't need men, ALWAYS. But there comes a time where we would like to be with someone and share silly/cute things with them. But...GROW UP! Don't go out and look for love. Let love come to you! Don't be silly! And yes all this applies to me.
I vow to myself and to all you readers that i will read this blog post whenever i'll feel like shit and when i finish i'll laugh and feel proud of myself.
I'm very much single and very MUCH happy about it and honestly, i don't care...as of now. I'm focusing on my career right now, i need the grades, i'm studying hard to get great grades so right now, i might not want to feel the pressure of commitment. But who knows what is going to happen in 5 minutes...? in 5 days? in 5 years? No one, just God. :).
When the time comes for me i am hoping to find someone who will understand me and likes me for who i am...also someone who i feel 100% comfortable with. I don't like playing with other peoples' hearts. I want to be loyal with myself and everyone.

Last but not least! God :)

He never changes.
He always forgives me.
I know for a fact that he will always love me.
I know that sometimes i don't feel him close to me, but i know that he's the only person that is better, marvelous in any way, even better than my own parents/family and i know that i can trust him and that he can always have his way with me.

Okay, ramblings over, dear you.

Till then, now i'm going to pull up my socks and get back to school and assignments XD
It's a long way to go ;)
Spring...then Summer! Oh, looking forward to that! ^_^

S.
xoxo

Everything happens for a reason. It's God's plans for me.

I am not scared of love.
I am not scared of being with someone.
Oh no.

I'm just terrified of myself.

I'm too complicated for my own good.
anything i can touch i might ending up ruining it.

I don't want to be a monster, no.

I don't want to give up on beautiful things that no one can really explain.

I'm just not ready yet.